i want to stop talking about the encampment & these injuries i want to move on. i want to say i cant be halted / impacted by their violence but the reality is the encampment failed and in RFA v. the state (2024) the state has won. (&, to clarify: a temporary win in one battle of life-in-progress/ generations/lineages/ancestors fighting for liberation- one battle is not the end all, but it is the truth of where i am right now. both the moment of defeat and the trajectory to liberation can be true.)

in the past few weeks experiencing flare ups and whatnot that i never experienced before- flare ups preventing me from going to my class where we’re discussing the ways the state & society depoliticized the disabled for not only the continued polarization inflicting on our ability for collective liberation but specifically depoliticizing the disabled by means of systemically murdering them. flare ups preventing me to show up for my family and my friends in pain (physically mentally emotionally financially) as our homelands are being bombed invaded & bombarded by israhell. flare ups preventing me to show up to the admin-mandated mtgs re:disciplinary concerns because the school wants me to control my emotions or “use effective means of communication” or blah blah blah. flare ups that have me sitting with my skin crawling in flames/fury/rage and really only sitting because i physically have not been able to move or speak or express it - not by drawings not by speech not by movement. and then we just feed the fire of fury and the cycle and spiral continues.

and also maybe i’m making meaning out of nothing and i’m genuinely just furious and frustrated with my sudden change in ability. losing a huge chunk of my arabic vocabulary/speaking confidence to a concussion from pigs w sticks that also causes me to faint+shake im annoyed and trying to get this autonomy back i guess and trying to come to terms that there is a chance i will not (at least not in the way it once was)

also also knowing it could have been much worse and for MANY others it is significantly much worse.

how many of these [i now realize: *limited*] words must i give to those cops

(PS: this is a Plea to my body and also those yt folks who Wont Stop Talking About The Encampment - nothing in here really is about you but if you read this and you havent gone to a teach in or rally or film screening or donated to a mutual aid campaign or literally just even amplified anything digitally or vocally since the encampment please seek help and not from giving me validation in the comment section. I dont want it - at all and especially from you. learn what it means to show up)